Jacksonville Rally Stop

Night time came quickly and we tried to get our room first since we had arrived early to our stop, this lingered feeling of sadness still present in my day. We rushed to get in our rooms and freshen up, I had planned all the time out in my head so all was good. In the bathroom, my phone on the counter...ringing off the hook - I look to see who cannot wait to leave a message, it is a law official, I figured I could call him back when we finished the day out. Then another call, then another, it was important because I knew deep down he would not call over and over unless it was important, so I finally answered...I said out loud before picking up "this is not going to be good", hello? It was the call we all dread...we got her! A million questions flooded through my head but the only one that came out of my mouth was "does the family know yet"? Reply...they are on their way now with a pastor...came from the other end. Then from the room yelled we gotta go, its time, I asked a few questions and advised I would call back; all of a sudden I felt rushed, we are late, I have to call them but I can't, I knew as soon as the family knew my phone would blow up. I felt so many things at one time but now had to get to the last rally stop, and fast, we left. The ride over was just a few miles, I was pleasantly surprised to see some searchers their to support the family and the stop, and was greeted by many upon entering, so I really had no time to process all that had took place in the last 20 minutes. But now, the calm comes, the event begins with Austins sister struggling through her pain to speak and holding the burden for this event for her mother, in a sense to show her mother "she has it" but also because she knows her mother needed to be relieved of the task...I look as her mother had a gleam of admiration in her eyes, a deep love and respect for her daughter, you can just see it. Maybe I can see it more, I think to myself because as an advocate you learn about your families, each look, words that never have to be spoken, you just know, and you know them, a bond occurs over time and you really just know. So as each speaker graces the front to talk about their missing loved one, and then a lighting of the candle ceremony moves forward...I am more than emotional, this is where I hate this part of me. I keep thinking to myself, just focus on the task "soon I would be called to light the candle of HOPE and speak", do not think about anything right now. Well.....then it hit! Right now at this very moment, this child's family is hearing the news that she has been found, it is a homicide and so much more; it hit me hard. See, because I knew right at that moment what that house looked like, and I knew ever detail of the happenings, because I no our family...and well. I also knew they would be calling, just as I had that last thought my phone began to ring on silent, and then the texting...call me, came flooding in. Then as if someone was waking me up from a sleep, my name was called out to come to the front and light the candle. I felt like I was in a dream, foggy for thoughts, surely during the lighting I would regain the things needed be said...yeah, that did not happen. I stood their not able to speak, looking at the crowd, not really seeing anyone, trying to focus but then, I looked into the eyes of Austins mother, that look of encouragement, she knew, because as we learn about our families...hummm, they learn about us, she knew this time it was different. Her eyes filled with tears, and I began to cry, I was mad at myself, I barley could get a thought or words out, I had only cried in public one time before and it had been years, I was so mad at myself. She kept her eyes focused on me and I seemed to draw from her a will to speak, I really did not know what I said, but I know my thoughts were on ever case, the suffering families and yet I could see the road ahead, it appeared to have an ounce of light, enough to get through. I knew all day this would happen, something inside of me just needed to release the sadness, and at the end of the day their was no fighting it anymore. The event was over, I reflected on all the extra details of the organization of it, looking around and saying goodbye to those in attendance, a large group of us decided to go and eat, we spent some quality time, it was nice. Upon returning to our hotel I found myself sitting with a searcher and Austin's mother, telling funny stories like we always do, laughing hard and looking at maps for the next upcoming search plan. I fell asleep fast that night. I knew deep down inside that she came to my room to pick my thoughts on the search, but also to make sure I was my normal self again before she went home, kinda like a mother tucking in her children at night; I did not mind in fact if I confess, I needed it. The next morning hitting the interstate, the chatter begins about the next rally stop, we are all excited because we are getting closer to the end of the tour and closer to home, no one ever speaks about last night, no one in the bus has ever saw that side of me, then I see "welcome to South Carolina", now I feel better and begin to think of all the folks that will be at each stop...my phone rings and it is a new missing person being reported, it's okay I know we can help them.
Monica